Bud-E: is that person who always comments on your status, but is not really your friend. They are only really connected to you via an invisible internet sphere linking every connection you have ever made in your life to each other—keeping you privy to the lives of people you would never have remembered existed otherwise. They always "like" your status (denoted by a thumbs-up symbol on facebook) and post "cute pic" on your photos. You may not be quite sure who they are: an old friend from grade school, someone you met in a lecture once or someone you met in a bar once.
In any case, you never hang out, but for whatever reason they feel compelled to share their opinion of your actions with the world. I don't really get these Bud-Es. I have a few of them and I wonder do you just have no life, or are you on a mission to boost the self-confidence of random people that you went to high school with but never talked you? Is this some kind of Internet pay-it-forward, I comment on your status so that you feel liked, and then you do the same to some other marginal friend in your network and in the end the whole world feels loved?
Well Bud-E if so I am confused. I feel like I should respond to your posts, but since we don't really know each other, I don't. So what is the purpose of this all? I am just going to go with the option that I am just that interesting that you wish you were part of my highly selective inner circle of which you can only reach the outskirts via my 600-strong Facebook network.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Captain Status
Captain Status: someone who constantly updates their status via the many social media networks. Captain Status we salute you! It is you who thinks that we (the people) care about your every breath, thought, occurrence and, even, ingestion. You are your own sports announcer—giving us the play-by-play of your oh-so fascinating life. I can hear it now over the loud speaker announced with the zeal of an imminent grand slam accompanied by the roar from the stadium, he gets out of bed, he drinks the best coffee ever, he looks hungry, he’s going for the sesame bagel. Oh no, wait, the crowd is in suspense—he selects the apple fritter and he could go all the way! He hops in his car, drives around the block, avoids the cop and arrives to work on time—a home run!
With the BlackBerry, iPhone and the progeny of Smart Phones out there updating your status has become even easier leading to the false assumption that C.S.'s status needs to be updated—ah, no one in the Whole World Wide Web knows what I ate for lunch! Sure I want to hear about your day, but leave something for the imagination. Like the why-buy-the-cow saying goes, why should I hang out with you when I can find out know all I need to know about you via your hourly tweets? Have you heard of over communication or how about interpersonal communication? (You know that thing where you meet people in person and you exchange words communicated through the movement of lips as opposed to the “conversation” generated through a frenetic movement of fingertips.)
For you Captain Status I have a tribute to you reminiscent of my 1980s’ youth.
Facebook
Twitter
GChat
LinkedIn
Smart Phones
Update Status!
Social networks and technology combine to make Captain Status
Captain Status, what a zero
You post when you eat a gyro
He is social media glorified
And he is adding friends to boost his pride
Captain Status, what a zero
You post when you eat a gyro
Going to tweet 100 times today
Because virtual communication is the only way
We are Captain Status
And you can be one too!
Cuz perpetually updating is the thing to do.
The Status is Yours!
With the BlackBerry, iPhone and the progeny of Smart Phones out there updating your status has become even easier leading to the false assumption that C.S.'s status needs to be updated—ah, no one in the Whole World Wide Web knows what I ate for lunch! Sure I want to hear about your day, but leave something for the imagination. Like the why-buy-the-cow saying goes, why should I hang out with you when I can find out know all I need to know about you via your hourly tweets? Have you heard of over communication or how about interpersonal communication? (You know that thing where you meet people in person and you exchange words communicated through the movement of lips as opposed to the “conversation” generated through a frenetic movement of fingertips.)
For you Captain Status I have a tribute to you reminiscent of my 1980s’ youth.
GChat
Smart Phones
Update Status!
Social networks and technology combine to make Captain Status
Captain Status, what a zero
You post when you eat a gyro
He is social media glorified
And he is adding friends to boost his pride
Captain Status, what a zero
You post when you eat a gyro
Going to tweet 100 times today
Because virtual communication is the only way
We are Captain Status
And you can be one too!
Cuz perpetually updating is the thing to do.
The Status is Yours!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
DPS
DPS: Drunk personality syndrome. This syndrome is characterized by extremely divergent behavior patterns while one is intoxicated versus while one is sober. People with dps exhibit different preferences after a few drinks, and they may like a certain type of music and hang out with different people while drunk. An innocent bystander might think, wow this dude is fun! He's the life of the party. He is busting a move on the dance floor, buying everyone shots and chatching it up.
Next time you hang out it earlier in the night before he's had a few drinks in him. His "favorite" song comes on and you say hey, let's go dance its your favorite song! He responds no, and I don't dance, with a confused and socially-awkward look on his face. You think to yourself, who replaced my friend with this boring droid.
DPS can be troubling to those around them because they are never quite sure who they really are. Most of the time the drunk personality is the more tolerable one (as long as they don't get super faded), because the sober side of the coin is someone who barely exhibits any signs of consciousness. How do these people get through the day? It's like they storing up all of their interesting personality inside until the drop of alcohol hits their body and becomes the catalyst for fun. As the vodka-Red Bull flows through their veins, Queen's "I want to break free" rings through their ears—Dr. Heckle leaves the building replaced by Mr. Fried.
Next time you hang out it earlier in the night before he's had a few drinks in him. His "favorite" song comes on and you say hey, let's go dance its your favorite song! He responds no, and I don't dance, with a confused and socially-awkward look on his face. You think to yourself, who replaced my friend with this boring droid.
DPS can be troubling to those around them because they are never quite sure who they really are. Most of the time the drunk personality is the more tolerable one (as long as they don't get super faded), because the sober side of the coin is someone who barely exhibits any signs of consciousness. How do these people get through the day? It's like they storing up all of their interesting personality inside until the drop of alcohol hits their body and becomes the catalyst for fun. As the vodka-Red Bull flows through their veins, Queen's "I want to break free" rings through their ears—Dr. Heckle leaves the building replaced by Mr. Fried.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Mayded
Mayded: Stands for mysteriously faded. It is the drunk that came out of no where. One second you are enjoying a great conversation with someone and the next you think hello intoxicated!
This term actually originated from my friend Christina. This peculiar phenomenon happens to her quite frequently. I turn to her to say something and I am like damn when did you get drunk! You only had one drink! But really I am thinking, I am jealous because I wish I could join her in her giggly merriment as she grooves to the music in the bar and makes covert pizza runs with a smirk on her face.
This term actually originated from my friend Christina. This peculiar phenomenon happens to her quite frequently. I turn to her to say something and I am like damn when did you get drunk! You only had one drink! But really I am thinking, I am jealous because I wish I could join her in her giggly merriment as she grooves to the music in the bar and makes covert pizza runs with a smirk on her face.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Hibernation Day
Hibernation Day: an obligatory day of rest. For anyone that knows me, I am kind of a busy body. And to counter this active lifestyle, I (like a bear) need to hole myself up in my home, in warm, comfy clothing (fur is not a requirement, but fuzzy slippers are) and hibernate—aka watch TV, sleep and eat in the same clothes for an extended period of time. It is important not to interrupt someone during hibernation as they will likely harm intruders—watch out for the grizzly growl. This day of rest is almost essential to my survival as a species, I missed a much needed hibernation day last week and now I am sick forcing me to hibernate for longer than I like to be out of commission.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
MOTO
MOTO: Master of the Obvious. This person is someone who has nothing insightful to contribute to a conversation or situation. They are good at, well, stating the obvious. It's like having a sports announcer for all things conspicuous.
This word actually goes way back to high school. I was in physics class and we were broken into lab groups. My friends and I had a great little science team, but then we were paired up with someone who we were not friends with—you can imagine the high school horror. We got over our annoyance and tried to integrate our new partner who we hoped with bring up the intelligence quotient of our group. Eh, wrong!
Lab after lab, when we were looking for analysis (or some kind of redux of the physical events that transpired), we got nothing. We were all racking our brains for formulas and trying to understand the physics mumbo jumbo, and all the while, her contributions would be obvious! Oh, the water is boiling. The ball rolled down the slope (yes we do know about gravity!). It turned blue. Thanks, your penetrating commentary is integral to the scientific discovery process, we are glad that you are in our lab. Thankfully, I have smart friends and we did well in physics no thanks to this intellectual free-loader. All I wanted to say to her is, you are the weakest link, goodbye.
This word actually goes way back to high school. I was in physics class and we were broken into lab groups. My friends and I had a great little science team, but then we were paired up with someone who we were not friends with—you can imagine the high school horror. We got over our annoyance and tried to integrate our new partner who we hoped with bring up the intelligence quotient of our group. Eh, wrong!
Lab after lab, when we were looking for analysis (or some kind of redux of the physical events that transpired), we got nothing. We were all racking our brains for formulas and trying to understand the physics mumbo jumbo, and all the while, her contributions would be obvious! Oh, the water is boiling. The ball rolled down the slope (yes we do know about gravity!). It turned blue. Thanks, your penetrating commentary is integral to the scientific discovery process, we are glad that you are in our lab. Thankfully, I have smart friends and we did well in physics no thanks to this intellectual free-loader. All I wanted to say to her is, you are the weakest link, goodbye.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The Pepper Scale
The Pepper Scale: is a rating scale for how hot someone is. You control the pepper scale, there can be as many levels of heat as you crave, all the way up to the spiciest. Note: This scale is not for everyone, the person needs to be at least a little spicy to make the chart.
First on the scale is the bell pepper. These sweet peppers add only a little flavor to the situation, but no heat; they are neither attractive, nor ugly. Overall, meh.
Next up is the Anaheim. This mild pepper has just a little heat and features better than average looks—maybe it comes in the form of nice eyes or a warm smile.
The jalapeno follows the Anaheim and ups the heat quotient. A chile pepper found flavoring nachos and spicing up salsas, this level of heat is rather common, but hot none the less. This isn't the hottest pepper around, but whether it comes in the form of a nice hair or a hot ass—they are packing some heat. A great personality can make the pepper hotter!
Cayenne is hot, hot, hot. This spicy fruit (yes, it is considered a fruit, I actually looked it up) is virtaully the total package. Finding a cayenne pepper is more rare than a jalapeno because they boast the best features, and the most rare types have the charisma to match. But watch out, once you decide you can take the heat, these puppies can burn you.
Habañero, one of the hottest peppers of all, this person is supermodel hot—just too hot to handle. Before this caliente character you can hardly speak, like you ate a habañero, you're mouth (and your whole body) is on fire. This kind of heat your rarily experience in person and is most often observed via the TV, in magazine spreads, on billboards or on the big screen.
First on the scale is the bell pepper. These sweet peppers add only a little flavor to the situation, but no heat; they are neither attractive, nor ugly. Overall, meh.
Next up is the Anaheim. This mild pepper has just a little heat and features better than average looks—maybe it comes in the form of nice eyes or a warm smile.
The jalapeno follows the Anaheim and ups the heat quotient. A chile pepper found flavoring nachos and spicing up salsas, this level of heat is rather common, but hot none the less. This isn't the hottest pepper around, but whether it comes in the form of a nice hair or a hot ass—they are packing some heat. A great personality can make the pepper hotter!
Cayenne is hot, hot, hot. This spicy fruit (yes, it is considered a fruit, I actually looked it up) is virtaully the total package. Finding a cayenne pepper is more rare than a jalapeno because they boast the best features, and the most rare types have the charisma to match. But watch out, once you decide you can take the heat, these puppies can burn you.
Habañero, one of the hottest peppers of all, this person is supermodel hot—just too hot to handle. Before this caliente character you can hardly speak, like you ate a habañero, you're mouth (and your whole body) is on fire. This kind of heat your rarily experience in person and is most often observed via the TV, in magazine spreads, on billboards or on the big screen.
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