One-Message-Wonder

One-Message-Wonder: a person who randomly contacts you out of no where and then never responds to the initiated contact. He or she might say something like, "hey lady what's up?" It is like the only thing that this person ever says to you. A one-message-wonder only "sings" the same tired tune, for which they become famous in your social circles, like the vocal stylings of Right Said Fred. (You probably don't even know that band by name because they are synonymous their only hit song "I'm Too Sexy.")

I have a girlfriend that I hardly ever see. She is notorious for randomly Facebooking me with the post, "Where have you been lady, let's hang out!" And when you think to yourself oh cool, we should catch up. So you message her back, "ya let's grab drinks, I'm free next week." And then nothing. Complete silence. It's like digital crickets are chirping around your lonely Facebook comment to reinforce your virtual diss. In reality, she doesn't miss me and we never actually hang out, she just writes to me every so often out of the blue. It seriously seems like she senses when she has completely fallen off my social radar, and then like clockwork, I get a notice that she has posted a message on my wall. And I, of course, respond.

The communication offender can also be someone that you dated briefly in the past. You two maybe hung out for a bit and then one of you decided that you were over it. Times goes by and you have forgotten about your brief rapport. Once the thought of him is erased, you get a text messages from him which says, "hey, how are you? I'm in town, let's catch up tonight." You, forgetting why things fizzled in the first place, shrug and say sure why not. So you text back, "Sure I've got early evening plans, but let's meet up afterward." Then you wait. And nothing! Later your phone signal light flashes and you think it's his text back, but it's actually your poorly timed LinkedIn updates email notification. Now someone you have completely forgotten about has reemerged and you actually care about seeing him! This is the problem with the one-message-wonder, they get into your head.

In both cases, you feel like a chump. Every time the one-message-wonder reaches out to you, you respond. You think it would nice to catch up, why not. However, that is not the one-message-wonder's intention. You actually don't know why they contacted you in the first place. They don't want to see you, because the one-message-wonder never replies—ever. So why do they contact you ask? Maybe your one-message-wonder doesn't have anything better going on, so they give you a shout out you until something better comes along. And something better did come along, and it came along before your text message.

The best part is, when you realize that your "friend" is in fact a one-message-wonder, you wish that you never wrote them back. But you did, against your better judgment. So you vow never to contact them again (signified by taking him or her out of your phone or deleting related emails). Then when you have made the mental shift to move past your flaky foe, they contact you again and pop back on your radar. But you can break the cycle, don't fall prey to the one-message-wonder.

Pratted Out

Pratted Out: is the way to describe someone that has too much or very obvious plastic surgery. Inspired by the infamous Heidi Pratt and her landmark ten surgeries in one day, this adjective characterizes those with a visible penchant for plastic surgery. Like Heidi, the cosmetic-enhancement victim probably looked better a few incisions before, with some of her original features in tact.

Wandering the streets of Beverly Hills, or Mill Valley for that matter, one would encounter many Pratted-out specimens, with a scary look surgically emblazoned on their face that says, "look at me, I am superficial enough to torture myself with multiple, unnecessary procedures." Her face looks like she rode a rollercoaster and it got stuck in that "wind-blown" look. Or maybe her lips are so full from collagen that she looks like she could not close her mouth properly, or her lips would burst.

Women are not the only ones who are Pratted out, I have also encountered men—straight men at that. A few years ago, I was chatting with a fairly attractive man in a low-lit, college bar in West LA. He seemed pretty cool, until he stops in mid-conversation and asks me what I thought of his new calf implants. Then he immediately turns around to model them for me, so that I would be impressed by his cool, sculpted stems. After I cringed in disgust, I realized his calves weren't the only things he enhanced. That was the end of that conversation.

FlingMaster

FlingMaster: someone who enjoys bringing people together for short periods of time. He or she is a temporary version of a match maker and is a proponent of people just generally having a good time. She is your woman, and he is your wing man, on weekend trips or vacations, taking an active role in making sure that your hotel bed does not go unoccupied.

A FlingMaster is very skillful at her craft using expert insight to make this happen. She can tell when two people are just made for each other, or just drunk enough to make it happen. She might use subtle tactics such as, this is my friend, he is your friend, they should be friends. Or other such gems as, hey you! Yes you! Make out with my friend, she's single!


One FlingMaster reached such a high-level of artistry that she has even coordinated transportation for one lucky couple. She told one bright-eyed, cocky suitor to get in a cab with her and his object of temporary affection. And when the lady he had his eye on got out of the cab at her point of departure, this FlingMaster subtly prompted the gentleman that this was also his stop and he should get out of the cab.

These maneuvers can only be properly executed by the Masters themselves. While their methods may seem unorthodox to the untrained ear, they always get results—whether or not these "results" were sought after. They are particularity helpful following a break-up, as they will see to it that you rebound first!

So three cheers to the FlingMaster, may they spread happiness for years to come.

Perma-Powwow

Perma-Powwow: the conversation that never ends. You think it is over, so you walk away and the person you are talking to will not let it end. You can hear his/her voice trail behind you hoping to reignite the conversation flame with a fast flurry of words before it dies out.

This happens to me all the time when I am talking to someone in particular. I grudgingly approach this person out of obligation or an unfortunate, but chance encounter. We start talking and our dialogue goes through the normal ebbs and flows, and then comes to what I perceive as an end. So, I make a move to not only end the conversation verbally, but I take physical steps to signify its closure by leaving the room or "conversation zone." As I walk away, I can hear a voice hanging onto my footsteps, and it feels like this strained voice has roped me in and drug me back into the conversation by a mysterious force. The situation immediately becomes awkward and I think to myself, is she really still talking to me?! Should I go back and continue to save face or has it been long enough?

As fate would have it, these conversations usually occur with socially starved individuals or people that are nice to talk to for a few minutes, only. In any case, you politely endure their banter out almost out of pity. It seems to you that for each minute you listen to their monotonous and repetitive dialogue that somehow you are garnering "karmic" points by altruistically lending an ear to the poor soul. After the conservation is finally over, you give yourself a mental pat on the back for narrowly escaping that never-ending exchange so discretely.

In fact, I have realized that I have unconsciously come up with tactics for putting an end to perma-powows. Once I feel that I am verbally roped in, I quickly devise a cunning escape. But it is like warfare of the mind, you want to leave, but you don't want them to know you want to stop talking.

Boom City

Boom City: of course, hell yes and any other enthusiastic affirmation. It is a way to express your excited confirmation and implies that you mean business. For example, if your friend asks you if want to go out tonight, your response to her would be "boom city," which means "hell ya, I'm dying for a drink!"

The word came about in a rather funny way. I was at a work event in Seattle and I was chatting with a group of attendees after the show. One of my new friends was telling this story about a rather unfit candidate who applied for a job a her resort. This young lady came to her job interview (at a hotel spa) wearing jeans and a rather revealing shirt (of the pasta-thin variety) that showed a little too much of her god given assets—and a pack of cigarettes visibly nestled between them. Obviously perturbed at the appearance of her interview, she mentioned something about her unprofessional attire, but decided to move forward with the interview.

The conversation that ensued was not a great one and her getup was probably the best thing about her. Finally, my new friend asked her if she had any retail experience and the young woman responded, "boom city!" At this point in the conversation I asked (in ignorance), "Is boom city some sort of new slang for 'of course' that I just don't know about?" And everyone around me gave me a funny look and laughed. Boom City is actually a place in Washington where they sell fireworks seasonally around the 4th of July. (This chick's idea of retail experience was selling fireworks a few weeks a year from a roadside stand.) Professional standards aside, I decided in my fatigued mind (ameliorated by a few glasses of vino that boom city was my new, favorite confirmation. Its like a whole city of awesome, the whole place is on board and pumped up—it's even more ironic and hilarious in light of my Middle Eastern background. In any case, Boom City was an instant hit and our Seattle whole crew started using it right away.

Sidenote: This blog post has finally happened after a few months hiatus. I am back in business! To which the only response is "Boom City." Stay tuned for more posts.