E-PDA

E-PDA: is excessive-electronic PDA. We have all witnessed these overt, public and viral displays of affection—posted all over Facebook pages, in gchat away messages, tweets, photos and MySpace pages. The E-PDA offenders just want the Whole World Wide Web to know how much they love their love.

Which leads me to believe that this is all theatrics to say look WWWW, we are in love and you have to know about it. This is exactly what the couple making out in the checkout line of the grocery store is communicating through audible smooching noises, I want you (and you and you and you) to know that we could not resist kissing each other right here, right now, right next to the trashy tabloid magazines and last-minute impulse buys.

E-PDA is just that, we are just bursting with so much love that we have to send a message to my 600 hundred closest friends on Facebook about it, update my twitter status and change my MySpace wallpapper to pictures from our last date. However, this form of PDA does not really require any human contact. So are these characters exclusively overly affectionate via the online extension of themselves, or is this just one more way for them to annoy us with their eternal flame?

It can take many forms. Having constant profile pictures with significant others and commenting underneath it don't we look cute. Posting constant status updates saying I love my boyfriend, he's the best. Commenting incessantly on each other posts (like you didn't just see each other!). Revealing too much information about their intimate lives, (can we say earmuffs!).

I say to these people less is more. Because when you break up, it's going to be ugly and public. News of your relationship status will be beamed out to the WWWW (that you previously cherished as your noble devotees) via a broken heart symbol on Facebook signifying that you are now (begrudginly) on the market.

Flammable

Flammable: a drink that is soo strong that you feel like your are drinking rubbing alcohol. You know that kind of pour from the a-little-too-old-to-be-hitting-on-you bartender, who winks at you as he hands you your glass of vodka with a splash of soda. A drink that you can smell from across the dive bar and if a match were taken to your breath, fire would flow from your mouth. You want to drink it because it's such a good value (way too much bang for your buck), but you can hardly choke it down. So the flammable beverage becomes your new accessory, you carry it around with you all night as the ice melts the bubbles away from your virtually nonexistent soda and you continually spill it because it's soo full that it becomes even more disgusting.

You finally imbibe, in an act of desperation, for, afterall, the bar that you are at is even worse without it. The next drink is just as "dry," but somehow you just don't notice (alkie), and you proceed to get your "fire" on because like the dragon you are breathing fire.

Multi-Manger

Multi-Manger: is someone who does something else while they eat. From the french for to eat, manger, a multi-manger is essentially a multi-tasking eater. Someone who does not focus on their food while eating, but instead, answers the phone, walks around the office and replies to emails, all while trying to choke down the sandwich that they grabbed from downstairs in their five spare minutes of the day.

I hate to say it, but these days I spend many "lunch breaks" at my desk trying to update our company's social networking status or fact checking an article. This is the American way of life, and it no doubt contributes to obesity and our nation's unhealthy relationship with food. For all you know, I am eating right now as I am writing this—thankfully I am not, I try to save the multi-mangering for the office.

Splenda Daddy

Splenda Daddy: its a man who tries in vain to be a sugar daddy. He wears nice clothes, always has a drink in his hand (preferably a dark, malted beverage) and appears well-coiffed and overly perfumed. Despite all his efforts to create a sense of excessive wealth, Mr. Splenda really has no money to speak of, and this likely middle-aged specimen will go to great lengths to impress the lady folk.

A Splenda Daddy's manner of speech, dress and general demeanor are fueled by his penchant for younger women. You often find him floating indiscriminately from one 20-something to another, hoping to strike up a conversation with any unsuspecting, young female that will lend him an ear. Then when one victim falls prey to his rehearsed witticisms and over-used yacht stories, she listens patiently expecting that she time spent listening to his self-aggrandizing stories will be rewarded with a drink. He drones on so long about his lifestyles of the rich and famous (clearly overselling himself) that she ends up ordering herself a drink. She soon realizes that he can't afford one and the one in his hand was the result of a pilfered glass and a covert splash from the flask in the dark corner of the bar by the bathroom or mooched off of one of his actually wealthy friends. She tries to extricate herself from this unsavory situation, but he just won't give up until she makes "the gesture" to her friends to come rescue her.

Unlike the Sugar Daddy, this not-so convincing impostor has less luck with women. Many females can see through his attire of faded Seven jeans and a retro blazer (worn just one too many times) to the broke ass that lies within. The beamer he is driving is probably his dad's that he borrowed for the weekend and that watch on his wrist a knock-off from Ross. Veritable sugar daddies pounce on the hottest girls in the bar hoping that their power and fame will win over the object of their desire. While Splenda daddies go for the quantity approach working the field until someone gives in.

This name came about when my friend Nick and I encountered a specimen firsthand and couldn't quite decide what to call him. Then it hit us, his sleazy-sleek appearance and polished yet eager conversations made him a fake sugar daddy...and Splenda Daddy was born out of combined genius.

Shamployee

Shamployee: an employee who pretends to work while not actually being productive. This worker comes in early and stays late, but never manages to get anything done. This person is constantly organizing, printing, photocopying, rexamining old projects or whatever it takes to keep them looking busy. He or she can be seen wondering around the office with an air of purpose, but never actually goes anywhere. A shamployee may approach a collegue as if to ask a question or give them something when in fact the shamployee forgets what he or she was going to say to the collegue and ends up hanging around and trying to strike up a conversation. This feigned hard worker also makes multiple trips to the kitchen to make tea or coffee which often remains on the kitchen counter unconsumed as a physical reminder of time wasted.

Surprisingly the charade of productivity does not stop there. Shamployees like to drag other people into their self-induced game of play progress. This character often initiates meetings about issues that do not need to be discussed just so that he or she may be productive by talking about getting work done. So many meetings in fact that you end up meeting more than you work. Work does not happen until much later, in fact at the last possible second—effectively screwing over all of their fellow workers.

This vile form of an employee also complains so much about the burden of his or her work that other people (who just want to get the job done) end up picking up the slack left by time spent wandering the office or pouring over meaningless, old files.

The most frustrating thing of all is that sometimes managers fail to see through the masquerade of the shamployee. They are fooled by the appealing mask of productivity and fail to see the truth behind their choreographed dance of time wasting—this person is just lazy. These employees will sometimes be rewarded for the "extra effort," which basically means they are there all the time and translates into, hi I don't have a life.

Vintage Mustang

Vintage Mustang: is the male version of a cougar. He is that older man you find at local watering holes that isn't a stallion anymore, but an older specimen roaming free in the singles field. These males sometimes travel in a herd along with their salt-and-pepper haired companions.

While in the wild, it's important to keep in mind that all Vintage Mustangs or "VM"s are not created equal. You can spot a VM that is in great condition with less visible signs of aging and maybe a few wrinkles caused by a recent divorce. Or you can get a really beat up mustang worn by years of drinking and hanging out in dive bars hitting on younger chicks. These creatures will flirt with anything that moves and don't have any standards, where as those in better condition are usually much more driven by physical appereance.

Many vintage mustangs like to impress younger chicks by talking about how much money they have and the accoutrements of their priveledged life. In San Francisco they like to graze in the Marina among the blond and the scantily clad to find their next hot young chick. And somehow the female inhabitants find their talk of money and their grey-flecked hair attractive.

Josik

Josik: Arabic for "your husband," this is a word said to refer to a repulsive guy. You would say this to a female companion to joke around when you spot a rather unattractive male (that she would never consider in a million years or after that many beers) that is in your vicinity; as if to say he is soo unfortunate, I will marry you off to him. The utterance of this foreign sound launches this game of one-upmanship, and it's up to your companion to find you an even more fugly-looking specimen and so on—until the pickings are slim.

This not-so-nice diversion started in my youth, probably after a trip to Jordan, and it became a sort of sport that my sisters and I played out of boredom. The goal: to find the best (aka the worst) "husband" for each other by scanning the area looking for the most overweight, poorly dressed and disheveled male around, and upon sighting him we would utter josik before the other can spot the funny fellow. The ridiculous game eventually spread to our friends and the word still gets thrown around when the perfect specimen walks by. We found that it is especially amusing at places like ballparks and amusement parks where the people watching is great and varied.

DAS

DAS: drunk and stupid. It's pronounced with a Germanic accent and it refers to that particular condition that affects those who have reached their visible limit of alcohol consumption. When words just flow freely from his or her mouth with no censor and the individual (or individuals) behaves like a total idiot.

When they go beyond the typical DAS and reach a whole new level, then überDas is necessary. For that sloppy drunk who is still pretty funny, but all you can say is, they are soo wasted.

This word was conceived during a recent cab ride when my friend and I shrewdly walked up a hill to catch a cab while a group of guys lazily waiting on the corner. We hopped in the cab and this drunken group starting yelling inappropriate exclamations instead of being gentlementlike. Shocked at this unbecoming behavior, I said, they are just drunk and stupid. And DAS was born.

Mastache

Mastache (mah-stash): refers to unsightly facial hair on the upper lip of a woman (or someone that is perceived to be so). This unkempt individual either does not notice that her upper lip looks like a handlebar moustache out of a Western flick, or simply does not care. Well, I have news for you mastache-wearer, people notice—so just like the the Karate Kid wax on, wax off.

This word came about while my friend Christina and I were discussing an old mutual friend. The conversation shifted to this friend's mom, who, incidentally, has serious upper lip growth. So much so that Christina exclaimed through laughter, "It looks like her eyebrow fell on her lip!" After toying with a few ways to convey this message (and the gravity of the facial hair situation) we landed on mastache. Upper lips have never been the same since.

Slash

Slash: used to denote the truth will be coming after uttering a sugar-coated or semi-truthful statement. Can be used also to separate what was said to the public from what was the person actually experience or thought about the topic.

Her haircut was ok slash it looks like she paid $80 for an "edgy" coiffe executed by an old weed-wacker.

I am soo over it slash not really but saying it makes me feel better.

I told my boss that this is bullshit slash I thought that in my head and said ok this is not what I had in mind, but I will see what I can do through clenched teeth.

Frenemy

Frenemy: is someone often in your professional realm or social circle that you are nice to even though you don't like them, and you are fairly certain they don't like you. You don't really have any reason not to like them other than the fact that they rub you the wrong way. They are just a little too nice, too well put together or just too well connected, but you can see through the toothy grin to the fake friendship forged out of convenience and getting ahead.

Despite your efforts, you somehow always end up at the same place though both of you happen to avoid direct contact but remain distinctly aware of each other's presence. When you bump into (slash you are cornered and have no where else to run) you have pleasant conversations through forced smiles and feigned interest appearing to be friends to onlookers, successfully hiding your true feelings. The more you attend work events and social functions, the more you realize that everyone knows your frenemy and can't stop telling you how great she is (I mean hypothetically—I am not speaking from experience, of course). This drives you crazy and reinforces her frenemy status.

Accurate

Accurate: something you would say when you are trying to validate a statement. This word does not refer to the results of scientific experiments or the theorems of physicists. Accurate can be used to over emphasize a statement, confirm a judgment while people watching or simply serve as a cocky response to a compliment.

The use of this word was popularized during, you guessed it, late-night imbibing. I got stuck on the word during a trip to Los Angeles and in lieu of using any other confirmation (or words at all) accurate quickly became my response to everything.

This place is ghetto, we should leave. Accurate.
That chick is showing a little too much skin, Britney Spears-style. Accurate.
You look super hot tonight. Accurate.