Splenda Daddy

Splenda Daddy: its a man who tries in vain to be a sugar daddy. He wears nice clothes, always has a drink in his hand (preferably a dark, malted beverage) and appears well-coiffed and overly perfumed. Despite all his efforts to create a sense of excessive wealth, Mr. Splenda really has no money to speak of, and this likely middle-aged specimen will go to great lengths to impress the lady folk.

A Splenda Daddy's manner of speech, dress and general demeanor are fueled by his penchant for younger women. You often find him floating indiscriminately from one 20-something to another, hoping to strike up a conversation with any unsuspecting, young female that will lend him an ear. Then when one victim falls prey to his rehearsed witticisms and over-used yacht stories, she listens patiently expecting that she time spent listening to his self-aggrandizing stories will be rewarded with a drink. He drones on so long about his lifestyles of the rich and famous (clearly overselling himself) that she ends up ordering herself a drink. She soon realizes that he can't afford one and the one in his hand was the result of a pilfered glass and a covert splash from the flask in the dark corner of the bar by the bathroom or mooched off of one of his actually wealthy friends. She tries to extricate herself from this unsavory situation, but he just won't give up until she makes "the gesture" to her friends to come rescue her.

Unlike the Sugar Daddy, this not-so convincing impostor has less luck with women. Many females can see through his attire of faded Seven jeans and a retro blazer (worn just one too many times) to the broke ass that lies within. The beamer he is driving is probably his dad's that he borrowed for the weekend and that watch on his wrist a knock-off from Ross. Veritable sugar daddies pounce on the hottest girls in the bar hoping that their power and fame will win over the object of their desire. While Splenda daddies go for the quantity approach working the field until someone gives in.

This name came about when my friend Nick and I encountered a specimen firsthand and couldn't quite decide what to call him. Then it hit us, his sleazy-sleek appearance and polished yet eager conversations made him a fake sugar daddy...and Splenda Daddy was born out of combined genius.