überbag

überbag: someone who is a super douchebag. They have surpassed the levels of simply douchey in their overall demeanor and general douchebaggery. This specimen is such a jerk, he (or she) is in his own class of douchebag. You can think of them as the Olympic athletes of assholes. Just when you thought that this person couldn't be more of an asshole, he surprises you with another low blow quickly elevating him to the status of überbag. Just like supreme, super-athletes, überbags are a rare occurrence and a combination of fortuitous genetic factors that meld to create an exceptional contender—the champion douchebag.

Premature Evacuation

Premature Evacuation: when someone leaves an event too early—leaving their guests or the person wanting more. Either their company wanted to spend more time with them or left for some reason or another and regret leaving the fun so soon. This can apply many situations from a birthday party to a business meeting and from a date to a sales call. The human interaction has to arrive at a natural ending place in order to avoid a premature evacuation. Have you ever met up with a friend for a cup of coffee and they drained their cup in five minutes and said good-bye following their last sip? Why did they leave so soon? Something you said might have made them feel uncomfortable or maybe they are having problems at home. This is drive-by interaction and does not lead to a fruitful or enjoyable encounter hence that person committed the social faux pas of a premature evacuation. Though sometimes a premature evacuation is necessary depending on the person you are spending time with. Sometimes you are hanging out with a doser or someone lame that you just can’t hang anymore—so without explanation you split!

This word came about when my sisters and I were all hanging out and just being our goofy selves. It was getting a bit late and my older sister decided to go back to her house. The two of us who remained continued to laugh and tell jokes. Not even five minutes after she took off, we got a phone call from her asking us what we were doing—begging us to put her on speaker phone so she could join in on the sister fun. We teased her for leaving and asked her why left so early if she still wanted to hang? She had no idea and then we decided that she had prematurely evacuated our hang session. She clearly still wanted to chill and we would have liked her share another laugh with us, but some emotional cue had prompted her to peace out.

2009

2009: something that is completely and utterly awful on many levels. Just like our tragic year of late, 2009 sucks. Once the clock strikes midnight on December 31, 2009—2009 will forever signify infinite crappiness. From housing market crashes to banking crises and budget cuts and furlough days—this siege of shit never ends. It’s a like modern day spin of the biblical plagues of yore. God thought to himself in 2008, I must do something to get through to these earthly creatures. The populace of today won’t care about locusts, animals dying or water turning into blood, humans have science to fix all of that. Why don’t I do something that is really traumatic—take their money away and turn their economy upside-down!

Something that is 2009 is as high on the lame list as the rising rate of unemployment. As soon as you think that things couldn’t get any worse, it can. Case in point: you loose your job, your boyfriend dumps you, you find out your apartment (that you rented post-break-up) has cockroaches, you car breaks down and you have a death in the family. Now that is soo 2009.

FKS

FKS: formerly known as sane. You have all had this happen to you, you meet someone who you think is super cool. You can't believe how well you guys are getting along. You start hanging out all the time. After a while you notice that there is something a bit off about her. First it manifests itself in an irrational outburst, she just snaps at you abruptly for nothing and she blames it on having a bad day. The next time, she doesn't like where you want to grab dinner and lucky for you she offered to pick you up and graciously leaves you out there on the side of the road. She calls later to apologize and come back to get you blaming it on her time of the month.

You start to wonder why she is free all the time, then you it hits you like her sudden outbursts of anger—she is a complete and utter headcase! So you try and back off from your new found friendship, but now she calls you all the time. You make up excuses and try to avoid her calls, but in true crazy person form they won't give up! The last time you hung out, she threw an eight-year-old hissy fit in the middle of a crosswalk and refused to get up, you almost wanted to throw her a bottle. Finally, you can't take it anymore and you have it out, and predictably, she handles it really well. If by well you mean that she only break three vases and luckily you ducked out of the way.

Knockliment

Knockliment: a compliment that comes from someone of questionable judgment. Case-and-point, you are rocking a new scarf that you pretty psyched about. Your friend (who is completely devoid of fashion sense) comes up to you and says, "Wow! I love you scarf." You know she is trying to be nice, but how could she like something that you (a self-proclaimed fashionista) is wearing? Which raises the question: is compliment from someone tacky, a real compliment? She obviously doesn't have good taste judging by the floral ensemble that they paired with corduroys (who wears those now anyways). After the encounter you think, if she likes it maybe this scarf isn't cute? Next time you wear it the scarf feels tainted, you can't help thinking about the knockliment.

Outside of fashion faux pas, a knockliment can apply to any like situation from work to your choice of significant other. It's all about taste people, who has it and who doesn't.

Bag Watcher

Bag Watcher: someone who is basically useless. It’s the idea that they have nothing better to do with their time than watch your stuff (or that you think that they don’t have anything better to do and they don’t have enough gumption to tell you no). You have all done it: you have ran off to do something and said to a friend or colleague, “oh, can you watch my bag?” And before they can respond you are off having fun or doing something perceivably more important.

At a recent work event, my co-workers and I were all busy running around doing tasks, greeting people, setting things up—basically being functional human beings. One of my office mates seriously was standing around with a dumb-founded look on their face, doing absolutely nothing while we were being industries worker bees. Somehow it got decided that this person would stay at the registration desk (after everyone was checked in) with the sole purpose of watching peoples’ bags while everyone else participated in the event. My co-worker’s only purpose at our exclusive event was to watch bags, because our purses might run away from their secure hiding place—that is a bullshit job if I have ever heard of one. This menial task just highlights her tremendous utility to the company and the best part is, she gladly accepted the job and did not offer to help out in another capacity. She took pride in her task and fretted about when the bags where left alone.

To all the bag watchers out there (you probably don’t know who you are), I salute you in your ignorance, may your time spent watching bags be blissful.

ATO

ATO: all talked out. This is the moment while you are engaged in conversation that it just hits you, you no longer wish to be talking to that person any more. It's not necessarily them (although it could be depending on the fellow conversationalist), but you have reached your human contact limit for the day and they just keep babbling. You are entirely saturated with the utterances of the English language—your verbal pot is full and you are reaching your boiling point. All you really want to say is "stop talking, I just can't listen anymore." You find yourself getting antsy and you have ceased listening to them altogether. Then, you just blurt out, "Great catching up with you. Talk to you soon." These words come out of your mouth subconsciously, interrupting them in the middle of their tale of woe, promptly ending the conversation before they could wipe the tears from their eyes.

ATO is worse over the phone then in person. Do your caller a favor when you are nearing ATO status, just don't answer. You will have a better conversation with them at a later time and, hey, they may actually enjoy talking to you when you don't prematurely end your gab sessions.

Déjà cringe

Déjà cringe: the cringe you have when thinking about something stupid you have done. You most likely winced after it happen, but you just can't let it go. You will be going along your day and then you think about that bonehead thing you did last week and you cringe all over again. How could I be soo stupid!

Like any self-respecting writer, I have a healthy balance of narcissism and self-deprecation. I believe that my written word is exciting enough that other people will find it captivating and then I worry about what people will think of it. This carries through to my actions, though thankfully not all. I over-analyze my deeds and once I have deemed a particular move deficient, I over inflate the importance of it. The witness(es) of my alleged transgression will probably not remember it or think it was as humiliating as I do.

For my propensity to déjà cringe, I blame my sisters. My two sharp hermanas have never forget a stupid thing I have ever done. They even remember idiotic instances that I have managed to force from my memory. The most notorious of which was during high school and I had a ridiculous crush on a cashier at Safeway (yes, straight up Junior High style, I was a late bloomer). I would wait for his line to be free (even if it was longer) just so I could talk to him. (I have since seen him and let's just say, what was I thinking.) One day we were chatting and I was being my regular nervous (and hopelessly uncharming) self. My groceries were just about all rung up, signifying the end of our conversation, and I said "OK see when I buy my turkey at Thanksgiving." I am probably not capturing the essence of that awkward moment, but it was priceless. My sister and our friend burst into a laughing fit on the spot in the grocery aisle, they couldn't even make it outside the automatic glass doors. I déjà cringed for months after that.

Meenet

Meenet: it is when you think you look good and then take a closer look in the mirror later on and realize that you look toe-up. It's your own personal Monet, beautiful from afar and far from beautiful. Everyone has those days when you leave the house and you are like "I look good today, sweet." Then, at work you take a bathroom break and a second look in the mirror.

While you are checking yourself out, and procrastinating going back to your desk, you realize that your former assessment of your physical appearance was false. (Gasp!) You skin only looked clearer earlier because you caked on the concealer, which now makes you look like you have discolored blotches of flaky skin. (Damn that faulty lighting in your room.) The bold fashion statement you decided on in your haste to leave your cramped abode, now just looks tacky. And that form-fitting shirt that you thought brought out your curves, only looks good when you are standing perfectly still (and sucking in). All that taught top is accentuating is your love handles, and you better hang on tight because those things are in full force. The casually messy tresses you are rocking, looks like you have been head banging all night at an 80s rock show, and yes, it is passé.

At this stage of your realization you panic, you are already at work and you cannot change your outfit. What is a girl to do? So you do whatever primping you can in the bathroom, tweak your hair, throw on a little gloss and remove the colorful scarf you have on to "tone down" your outfit. You try to salvage what you have left of your shabby ensemble and you walk out of the bathroom, head held high with a tinge of insecurity. You swear to yourself, you won't let this happen again.

Nega-Booty

Nega-Booty: a butt that just butt curves inward, it just forgot to grow. It's like their backside falls off into nothingness, like a cliff. This is the polar opposite of a ghetto booty, a bum that just went concave.