Claim de Shame

Claim de Shame: something that a person or place brags about or is known for that is scandalous or elicit. This person or place publicizes information about themselves that would make any lady blush. This entity then becomes known for this saucy piece of information and it turns into their claim de shame. You know that girl in school that is popular because she possesses “special” talents or the guy at your work who always has the hook-up. Practically every reality TV star has a claim de shame for their various erotic and indecent behaviors that make them so entertaining to the masses—can we say “Jersey Shore.”

This phrase came to me while I was on a recent hotel tour. The hotel sales person that was showing us around told my colleague and I that her hotel used to be Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Club. She explained the layout of this swinging club and pointed out Hef’s piano, but left out specific historic (and scandalous) details. Later that day, I was on another hotel tour and our tour guide was telling us how the historic hotel used to have a male entertainment center below. The underbelly of the hotel housed a brothel, which has since been converted into the spa. The rooms now offer a modern spin on relaxation. We even went through the secret passageway where guests seeking to unwind could access the brothel without even leaving the building—crazy!

Verbal Possession

Verbal Possession: when your mouth gets taken over by something ungodly. You don't know what has come over you. You are in a conversation and you say something that you don't even think. After it comes out of your mouth, you don't really know why you said it; it was an out-of-mouth experience. You don't even recall having that thought, it was like your mouth was possessed by another being causing you to spew out random thoughts.

You try to recant what you have just said or talk yourself around it. If not, you have to back up your statement or move on after a healthy awkward silence. Verbal possession seems to happen in nervous or new situations, especially on dates or when meeting new people when the social lubricant is absent (or just hasn't kicked in yet). You are trying to carry out a conversation and then all of a sudden you start telling a stupid, babbling story, that is not really even a story, doesn't really have a point or didn't even happen.

I have been known to make strong statements that I don't even really think. At a recent work event, a few writers and I were having a conversation about singers. The convo shifted to the subject of Beyonce and I blurt out, "I hate Beyonce." Just like that. As soon as I said it, I thought, I don't hate Beyonce. It was such an abrupt, blunt statement that everyone stopped talking. I, of course, tried to recover and said "I actually do like her music and I listen to it all the time." I don't, in fact, listen all the time, just when it comes on Pandora or at a bar or something. In any case that statement totally contradicted the previous one—just keep digging that hole. So now, instead of carrying on an intelligent conversation with new contacts, the only thing I have done was establish that I am a bitter, pop-music addict who hates the performers that she listens to. I seriously don't know what came over me, I don't feel strongly about the pop diva either way. These people must think I am pretty weird and later that night I totally had a déjà cringe over it.

O-mance

O-mance: an office romance. It's that flirtation that you know you shouldn't have with the coworker as he or she passes by your desk. The frequent, casual (yet sexually charged) banter one night turns into something more after a tipsy company happy hour. It starts out as such a good idea, it's so forbidden and sexy all at the same time—the flame is lit and you can't seem to put out the fire. Then they do something at work to piss you off. Your o-mance is talking with someone else, and you ask yourself, are they leaning just a little to close?

When you let it get to your head, it's all downhill from there. Should the o-mance go south, you have to see them everyday at work. You have try to pull yourself together and act normal at the office like the o-mance never occurred. Although, some o-mancers can make it work. The synergy and the common interest at the workplace creates a fertile breeding ground for an o-mance to blossom, and for some I know, it grew into a marriage.

But for me, the thought of such a tawdry affair going on at a work place, makes me think of the Lady Gaga Song, "Bad Romance." Upon hearing of a friend's new o-mance, the song started playing in my head and I immediately began conjuring up a parody song (it's a work in progress):

Oooo Ooooo Ooooo
Caught in a Bad O-mance
Oooo Ooooo Ooooo
Caught in a Bad O-mance

Ooo Ooo Noo Noo
No more office PDA please
HR will find out, so just leave your keys

Caught in a bad o-mance

I want your lunch break
I want your afternoon tea
I want all your breaks at the copy machine please

I want your love
So change your Outlook Calendar to busy please

Caught in a bad o-mance

Button your shirt and the boss won't suspect
Act cool or this job you will wreck
You will not get your pay advance

ooohoooooo oooooo
Me and you can write a bad o-mance

Frex

Frex: a good friend or best friend that you are no longer friends with. Some kind of disagreement or falling out have caused you to drift apart or abruptly discontinue your relationship. Now all you have left is the ashes of your scorched of union. You think about the time that you spent together, the times you laughed and all of those intimate details of your day-to-day life that you shared (and that you now wish you hadn't).

Much like the fallout of a divorce or a bad break-up, a frex can wreak havoc on your life to varying degrees depending on the terms of dissolution of your bond. Did your frex dump you, did you dump them, did they steal your boyfriend, hook-up with your brother or did you just have nothing in common anymore?

Seeing your frex in the grocery store makes you panic and quickly dunk behind the nearest vegetable display at Safeway to avoid an awkward social encounter (effectively making you look like a crazy person when you rise from your hiding place to exclaim, "Oh, there's the piece of lint I've been looking for.") When a song comes on the radio that you both joked about, you start to laugh and think of your frex—but, with a heavy heart, you realize that they are the only person in the world that would think this song was funny and you aren't speaking anymore. Most of your friends have chosen sides in the "divorce" (as the two of you can't stand being around each other) or have decided to remain friends with you both discretely. Some of them wouldn't be "caught dead talking to that dumb ho anyways," and to the others, you are now that "dumb ho."

Not everyone of your ex-friends is now a frex. Just because you lost touch, it does not mean that you had a break-up like trauma at the quiet end to your relations. A frex is someone that has left a lasting impression on your life and that may cause you to recoil in disdain at the mere sound of their name or inspire you to change their name to something a bit more comical.

überbag

überbag: someone who is a super douchebag. They have surpassed the levels of simply douchey in their overall demeanor and general douchebaggery. This specimen is such a jerk, he (or she) is in his own class of douchebag. You can think of them as the Olympic athletes of assholes. Just when you thought that this person couldn't be more of an asshole, he surprises you with another low blow quickly elevating him to the status of überbag. Just like supreme, super-athletes, überbags are a rare occurrence and a combination of fortuitous genetic factors that meld to create an exceptional contender—the champion douchebag.

Premature Evacuation

Premature Evacuation: when someone leaves an event too early—leaving their guests or the person wanting more. Either their company wanted to spend more time with them or left for some reason or another and regret leaving the fun so soon. This can apply many situations from a birthday party to a business meeting and from a date to a sales call. The human interaction has to arrive at a natural ending place in order to avoid a premature evacuation. Have you ever met up with a friend for a cup of coffee and they drained their cup in five minutes and said good-bye following their last sip? Why did they leave so soon? Something you said might have made them feel uncomfortable or maybe they are having problems at home. This is drive-by interaction and does not lead to a fruitful or enjoyable encounter hence that person committed the social faux pas of a premature evacuation. Though sometimes a premature evacuation is necessary depending on the person you are spending time with. Sometimes you are hanging out with a doser or someone lame that you just can’t hang anymore—so without explanation you split!

This word came about when my sisters and I were all hanging out and just being our goofy selves. It was getting a bit late and my older sister decided to go back to her house. The two of us who remained continued to laugh and tell jokes. Not even five minutes after she took off, we got a phone call from her asking us what we were doing—begging us to put her on speaker phone so she could join in on the sister fun. We teased her for leaving and asked her why left so early if she still wanted to hang? She had no idea and then we decided that she had prematurely evacuated our hang session. She clearly still wanted to chill and we would have liked her share another laugh with us, but some emotional cue had prompted her to peace out.

2009

2009: something that is completely and utterly awful on many levels. Just like our tragic year of late, 2009 sucks. Once the clock strikes midnight on December 31, 2009—2009 will forever signify infinite crappiness. From housing market crashes to banking crises and budget cuts and furlough days—this siege of shit never ends. It’s a like modern day spin of the biblical plagues of yore. God thought to himself in 2008, I must do something to get through to these earthly creatures. The populace of today won’t care about locusts, animals dying or water turning into blood, humans have science to fix all of that. Why don’t I do something that is really traumatic—take their money away and turn their economy upside-down!

Something that is 2009 is as high on the lame list as the rising rate of unemployment. As soon as you think that things couldn’t get any worse, it can. Case in point: you loose your job, your boyfriend dumps you, you find out your apartment (that you rented post-break-up) has cockroaches, you car breaks down and you have a death in the family. Now that is soo 2009.

FKS

FKS: formerly known as sane. You have all had this happen to you, you meet someone who you think is super cool. You can't believe how well you guys are getting along. You start hanging out all the time. After a while you notice that there is something a bit off about her. First it manifests itself in an irrational outburst, she just snaps at you abruptly for nothing and she blames it on having a bad day. The next time, she doesn't like where you want to grab dinner and lucky for you she offered to pick you up and graciously leaves you out there on the side of the road. She calls later to apologize and come back to get you blaming it on her time of the month.

You start to wonder why she is free all the time, then you it hits you like her sudden outbursts of anger—she is a complete and utter headcase! So you try and back off from your new found friendship, but now she calls you all the time. You make up excuses and try to avoid her calls, but in true crazy person form they won't give up! The last time you hung out, she threw an eight-year-old hissy fit in the middle of a crosswalk and refused to get up, you almost wanted to throw her a bottle. Finally, you can't take it anymore and you have it out, and predictably, she handles it really well. If by well you mean that she only break three vases and luckily you ducked out of the way.

Knockliment

Knockliment: a compliment that comes from someone of questionable judgment. Case-and-point, you are rocking a new scarf that you pretty psyched about. Your friend (who is completely devoid of fashion sense) comes up to you and says, "Wow! I love you scarf." You know she is trying to be nice, but how could she like something that you (a self-proclaimed fashionista) is wearing? Which raises the question: is compliment from someone tacky, a real compliment? She obviously doesn't have good taste judging by the floral ensemble that they paired with corduroys (who wears those now anyways). After the encounter you think, if she likes it maybe this scarf isn't cute? Next time you wear it the scarf feels tainted, you can't help thinking about the knockliment.

Outside of fashion faux pas, a knockliment can apply to any like situation from work to your choice of significant other. It's all about taste people, who has it and who doesn't.

Bag Watcher

Bag Watcher: someone who is basically useless. It’s the idea that they have nothing better to do with their time than watch your stuff (or that you think that they don’t have anything better to do and they don’t have enough gumption to tell you no). You have all done it: you have ran off to do something and said to a friend or colleague, “oh, can you watch my bag?” And before they can respond you are off having fun or doing something perceivably more important.

At a recent work event, my co-workers and I were all busy running around doing tasks, greeting people, setting things up—basically being functional human beings. One of my office mates seriously was standing around with a dumb-founded look on their face, doing absolutely nothing while we were being industries worker bees. Somehow it got decided that this person would stay at the registration desk (after everyone was checked in) with the sole purpose of watching peoples’ bags while everyone else participated in the event. My co-worker’s only purpose at our exclusive event was to watch bags, because our purses might run away from their secure hiding place—that is a bullshit job if I have ever heard of one. This menial task just highlights her tremendous utility to the company and the best part is, she gladly accepted the job and did not offer to help out in another capacity. She took pride in her task and fretted about when the bags where left alone.

To all the bag watchers out there (you probably don’t know who you are), I salute you in your ignorance, may your time spent watching bags be blissful.